Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
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Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Festive toon…
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me