When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
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The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds