People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
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Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.