[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
You Might Also Like
For those that worship cheese..
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Pee pressure > peer pressure
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then