[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”