“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Life cycle of cat
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.