Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
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i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
The biggest mystery of our time
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”