Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
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Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
What a website
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.