[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
You Might Also Like
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
whelp that’s enough instagram for today