If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
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Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Good Morning.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer: