An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
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Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom