Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
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[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.