A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
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If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
why isn’t he texting back
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there