We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
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[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet