me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
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people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time