Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
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I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.