piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
You Might Also Like
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
no one ever comes back
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site