I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Am I having a stroke?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.