Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
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Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I think this cat is broken
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen