Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
You Might Also Like
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
when dads have a rap battle
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?