The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
when there are deer in the woods
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.