The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
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Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.