[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
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It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.