Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Solving a traffic jam
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.