Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
You Might Also Like
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
i did the math
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Why is no one talking about this?!
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.