My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Kermit goes Blue.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*