[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
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Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Brother?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive