Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
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Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )