I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
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*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
We’ve all been there…
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
The glockness monster
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.