[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
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Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I came this close!!!!
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.