“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
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Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.