What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.