I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
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“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.