taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Batman v Dracula
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight