*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.