old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
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People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial