Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes