imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.