Dude just wanted a popsicle…
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Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why