I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
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What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins