Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
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Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
This anagram machine is out of order.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
A completely valid reaction tbh
Van Gone
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
584.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.