When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.