First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
You Might Also Like
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Thursday Thought.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra