My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
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*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
oh my god
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????