I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
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Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.