BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
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Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Fries, not lies.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.