(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
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I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.