One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.