Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
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H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.