The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
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Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
This came to me in a dream.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Something Saturday.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.